Purple Prose Priestess
by Kiraeon
Summary: Kagome had prided herself on being like her father direct and practical. Now, against an enemy too horrible to even imagine, our favorite priestess must draw up the strength to combat this new foe... or die trying. Rated for language and suggestive humor.


**_So I've obviously been needing another chance to send myself to Hell and I haven't written for this fandom in quite a while. Warning you now; this is a parody fic combined with my own sick and twisted sense of humor. There will be cliché mocking, stereotyping and likely some purposeful OOCness. If that hasn't scared you away by now? Please feel free to leave a review, a complaint or a flame to make me laugh. This won't be very long, I've lost a lot of time and brain power to write long things._**

_**Standard Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of Inuyasha. Rumiko Takahashi is the one who created them and has all exclusive rights._

Sometimes a girl's college schedule was a blessing in disguise. Other times it was a pain in the ass that nearly had her ripping her hair out, setting her homework on fire and using a word a few too many times in a row on a certain attention deprived hanyou who put _another_ set of claw marks into her 8,957 yen textbook. Especially because her teacher had taken a sudden interest and wanted to get to know his students better. Oh how she'd hated the assignment with a passion, glaring at the bold face text on the paper wasn't making it shrivel up and die. No, not even striking a bit of terror into the three sheets of instructions and the 'dos and don'ts' of what was required.

Kagome prided herself on apparently inheriting her father's cunning and to-the-point nature when it came to logical solutions. Her fast thinking had saved the party several times in the past years while the brawn, Inuyasha, had done his part and blasted the living hell out of whatever came their way. Of course, like all girls, she had her times of being rather cheeky, coy and subtle when it came to a boy she liked. Though much to her agitation and disappointment; coy, cheeky and subtle didn't penetrate the abnormally thick skull of the dog eared boy in front of her and clue him on her feelings for him. Oh yes, her strategy was definitely something else nowadays, she thought with a puff of pride, she'd been traveling over four years now in the feudal era and had learned the customs very easily. What she didn't pick up on and study on her free time were taught to her by Miroku-sama and Sango-chan. Old style strategy was given a very healthy and unique dose of modern era twist, flavor and spice and most of the time, they would wind up working beautifully or with a few unforeseen kinks. And now... _now_ she was facing her greatest enemy, one that even the terrors of advanced calculus and Naraku couldn't compare with.

She, Higurashi Kagome, was supposed to make herself into the priestess of purple prose.

A miserable and long suffering groan escaped her lips as she slumped lifelessly over and felt her head connect with her book. Despite all the things in her quite unbelievable life that would have made a fantasy novelist cry out in an orgasmic and delighted bliss from hearing, the twenty-near-twenty-one year old girl was quite literally inept at producing the flowery writing that her teacher believed _all_ girls were born with a talent for. Sure she had a small flare for melodramatic story-telling and for holding a person's attention with her tales of feudal Japan but... they sorely lacked anything resembling the dramatic descriptions and juicy details that all people seemed to be looking for. Oh she could detail a wound she'd seen a youkai get in a fight with Inuyasha and detail that to the very last tear and flap of flesh but could she set up a potentially hostile and sexually charged atmosphere that would leave her audience gasping and holding their breath, waiting for more?

Not on your life.

Ten people. She was supposed to describe ten people she interacted with who weren't directly related to her by blood in such flowery, poetic and purple-sweet prose filled with references to the pretty things or ugly things in nature that she was about ready to throw her textbook into the fire, spit on it and dance the hoochy-coochy on the damn thing. How on earth was she, the self-proclaimed Queen of Practicality, supposed to write that kind of gagging inducing crap they called 'writing'?

_'Alright practicality queen; let's start off by making the list of ten people you're going to need to, ugh, _write_ about.'_

Kagome knew she would have to write about the ones she knew the best first; Inuyasha, Miroku-sama, Sango-chan, Shippou-chan and Kaede-baa-chan. There were five knocked off of her list already, halfway done and she hadn't even started writing yet! Who else could she make her victim? Ahh yes, there was Kouga-kun and Inuyasha's brother, Sesshoumaru. Oh yeah, and there was that absolutely _adorable_ little girl who traveled with him, Rin-chan, that was it. That made eight people. Ugh, might as well do her best to not-so-subtly jibe at Naraku, okay, so that was nine. Who was the tenth person? She chewed on the end of her pencil, gaining odd looks from everyone who'd caught the girl's rather vocal frustration, and found her eyes widening and a maniacal grin taking over her face as she scribbled down the final name on her list of victims to utterly ruin.

If she had to do something so vile, then her teacher could kiss her youkai purifying _ass_ and be damned if he was going to try to prevent her from having one hell of a good time with this.

He wanted purple prose, oh she'd _give_ him purple prose. Her eyes fell on the first name, looking up from the paper and meeting the eyes of the person themselves as a very crafty and rather un-Kagome like grin crossed her lips that probably would have made Naraku shit himself had he seen it directed his way.

First victim on the top of the list; Inuyasha.


End file.
